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<\/a>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\nI was surprised and honored to be invited as a keynote speaker last month in Atlanta for an innovative national health care organization. A few years ago, my brother introduced me to his friend, the CEO of this company, via e-mail. He is a remarkable leader and writer who follows my cancer journey with kindness and support. We agreed I would focus part of the talk on the terminal cancer diagnosis and how I stay positive, even joyful, despite this challenge. I knew the team was young, and I wanted at the very least to be interesting, and if possible, inspirational.<\/p>\n
I knew it was not going to be easy to simmer my life\u2019s journey and message into one hour. I had also just learned the cancer had advanced beyond my brain and bones, into the liver and lungs. I sincerely was \u201cwalking the walk\u201d and not just \u201ctalking the talk\u201d as they say in A.A.<\/p>\n
At one point, after several weeks, I found myself fretfully pawing through fifty pages of notes, books and several outlines spread over my desk, chair and floor, but I still had no theme.<\/p>\n
I have learned when this happens while writing, I need to set it all aside and take a break for a day or even longer. Then I start fresh on a blank page with an open mind. I did that here. I began by creating a list of \u201cBooks that Help Me Live a Good and Happy Life,\u201d something I have wanted to do ever since I got the terminal diagnosis to give my three sons. Next, I gathered together all my favorite quotes and poems, which I have been collecting for years. \u00a0I did not write a single word of the talk that day, but I noticed two recurring themes in my favorite works: overcoming tragedies and unconditional love.<\/p>\n
It was then, surrounded by my beloved books, quotes and poems, that I received the answer on how to put the pieces of the talk together. Something a friend told me in passing months earlier, came to mind.<\/p>\n
She had mentioned an ancient Japanese method of repairing broken porcelain that uses gold to fill the cracks. I remembered loving that idea immediately\u2014 more than Leonard Cohen\u2019s famous lyric, \u201cthere is a crack in everything and that is where the light comes in.\u201d \u00a0For some reason when I pictured being cracked up inside, I tended to feel a harsh wind coming in, not the light.<\/p>\n
This method of restoring breakage with gold is called Kintsugi (also known as Kintsukuori<\/em>) and translates as “golden joinery.” I did some quick research and discovered that Kintsugi is an outgrowth of the Japanese philosophy of Wabi-Sabi, which honors the beauty of imperfections.<\/p>\n The Kintsugi artisan uses gold or other precious metal mixed with epoxy to repair the broken piece. This method emphasizes, rather than hides, the breakage. The repaired piece is often considered even more beautiful than the original.<\/p>\n Kintsugi embraces the breakage as part of the object\u2019s history, instead of something unacceptable to be hidden or thrown away. This is the opposite of what I was taught. I learned that I was supposed to be perfect, and that I must hide any imperfections. This belief is imbedded in our culture: if something is broken, toss it out; if something is flawed, hide it.<\/p>\n Kintsugi was the perfect metaphor for my talk on how I was able to find healing in a life that for a long time, was not only cracked, but broken apart\u2014and, in a few places, shattered beyond recognition.<\/p>\n When I was suffering as a child in a home filled with violence, alcoholism and poverty, my maternal grandmother would take care of me and my younger brother almost every weekend. I remember rushing in to hug her ample body, always in a faded small-print dress, her cheeks red from baking, gardening, making soap and canning. My grandparents created a small farm in their inner city backyard. Whatever else they needed, our grandfather built by hand. They raised four children during the Great Depression through their hard work and faith in Jesus. Every night we said the rosary, and every morning went to Mass. Afterwards, I could swing under the grape arbor for hours, sit at the oak table in her kitchen, eating fresh apple pie and watching her cook. \u00a0We did not say much, but I basked in the warmth of her loving presence. During those frightening times of my life, my grandmother healed me with her unconditional love.<\/p>\n In my early twenties, with my grandparents and parents dead, I turned to alcohol to block out the pain. I constantly wished that my childhood had been a different one, that I had been born into a different family with different circumstances. I resented spending most of my time trying to recover from the damage. It was hard work trying to fix myself, and to be honest, that never really worked anyway.<\/p>\n Learning about Kintsugi helped me look back and realize that my greatest wish was to be unbroken pottery, instead of who I was. That caused me so much suffering because it was impossible. When I finally had the courage to show those broken edges to others\u2014 to my brother, to dear friends, in A.A., in counseling and in safe communities\u2014 I received acceptance, and was loved and respected just the way I was, in the same way my grandmother did. My broken parts were transformed into what students of Kintsugi call \u201cprecious scars\u201d which honored my whole life, leaving nothing out.<\/p>\n There are many ways to find healing beyond what I share here. It can be a painstaking practice\u2014mine was not quick or easy, and it is still ongoing\u2014 like the skill and care required to do Kintsugi restoration. \u00a0Through it all, I keep coming back to love as the answer, the golden repair that has lasted.<\/p>\n I found that I needed to find unconditional love for myself too, and not just seek that from others. Then I found that I could begin to love others\u2019 whole beings without judgment. I believe this helped me be a far better parent, friend and family member, and it changed the course of my professional life. Best of all, others who are on difficult healing journeys seem to find inspiration when they see my extensive golden scars, and for that I am grateful.<\/p>\n I no longer think of my broken parts as wounds. They are part of my history, and who I have become. \u00a0As an ancient Kintsugi quote says, \u201cThe true life of the bowl began the moment it was dropped.”<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n My talk was not perfect. They gave me a standing ovation anyway. I had the honor of hearing individually from a number of the participants, who courageously shared their personal stories with me. Together we created an opening of mutual care that is rarely seen in a business setting.<\/p>\n One of my mentors, Dr. Rachel Remen, pioneer of holistic medicine, co-founder of Commonweal Cancer Help Center and best-selling author of Kitchen Table Wisdom <\/u>tells a story in her book about meeting Dr. Carl Rogers, the humanistic psychologist. When she was a young doctor she saw him demonstrate his method which he called \u201cUnconditional Positive Regard.\u201d A colleague of hers volunteered to be the \u201cpatient\u201d and he got up on stage with Rogers. Before he began the demonstration, Dr. Rogers paused a moment, looked at the audience and then said this:<\/p>\n “Before every session I take a moment to remember my humanity. There is no experience that this man has that I cannot share with him, because I too am human. No matter how deep his wound, he does not need to be ashamed in front of me. I too am vulnerable. And because of this, I am enough. Whatever his story, he no longer needs to be alone with it. This is what will allow his healing to begin.”<\/p>\n I can add nothing to these words.\u00a0 They are pure gold.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n There are three types of Kintsugi repair. The first level is when all pieces are available and the cracks are filled with gold to restore the piece:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The next level is when small pieces are missing. Those areas are completely filled with gold:<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong> Last, when large areas of the piece are missing or shattered beyond repair, the artisan will take fragments from unrelated pieces to create a patchwork design.\u00a0This is the one I identify with the most:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Below\u00a0 are the poems,\u00a0 and quotes I wove into the talk, along with Kintsugi, and my personal\u2014still growing\u2014book list I shared with the group afterwards.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n The Guest House by Rumi<\/p>\n This being human is a guest house. A joy, a depression, a meanness, Welcome and entertain them all! The dark thought, the shame, the malice. Be grateful for whatever comes. \u2014Copyright 1997 by Coleman Barks. All rights reserved. <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Love your crooked neighbor<\/p>\n With all your crooked heart.<\/p>\n \u2014W.H. Auden<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/strong>The sun never says to the earth,<\/p>\n \u201cYou owe me!\u201d<\/p>\n Look what happens<\/p>\n with a love like that\u2014<\/p>\n It lights the whole sky.<\/p>\n \u2014Hafiz<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Summer Day<\/p>\n Who made the world? \u2014Mary Oliver<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Otherwise<\/p>\n I got out of bed At noon I lay down \u2014Jane Kenyon<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Quotes:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n You may not find a cure, but you can still receive healing.<\/p>\n \u2014Michael Lerner, Co-founder of Commonweal Cancer Help Center, Bolinas, California<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n It does not really matter what we expect from life, but rather what life expects from us. We are being questioned by life, hourly, daily, moment by moment. Our answer\u2014to respond with right action and right conduct.Life ultimately means, taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems, and to fulfill the tasks which are constantly set for each individual.<\/p>\n \u2014Viktor Frankl<\/p>\n Viktor Frankl taught that everything can be taken from us but one thing\u2014to choose one\u2019s attitude in any given set of circumstances.\u00a0 We cannot change these circumstances of being human, (pain, illness, loss and death)\u00a0<\/strong>but we can change our minds and thoughts.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n There is no enemy. We have stopped fighting anything and anybody.<\/p>\n The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous<\/u><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u201cCan this be Okay?\u201d<\/p>\n \u2014Mark Nunberg, Guiding Teacher<\/p>\n Common Ground Meditation Center<\/p>\n Minneapolis, Minnesota<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Be kind whenever possible.<\/p>\n It\u2019s always possible.<\/p>\n \u2014Dalai Lama<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong>Books that Help Me Live a Good and Happy Life: <\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Holy Bible,<\/u> New Testament<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong>Kitchen Table Wisdom, <\/u>Stories that Heal, <\/em>Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/u>Man\u2019s Search for Meaning,<\/u> Viktor E. Frankl<\/p>\n The Places that Scare You<\/u>, A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times, <\/em>and When Things Fall Apart, <\/u>Heart Advice for Difficult Times,<\/em>Pema Chodron<\/p>\n The Girl Who Threw Butterflies<\/u>, Mick Cochrane<\/p>\n My Experiments with Truth<\/u>, An Autobiography by Mahatma Ghandi<\/p>\n Letters to a Young Poet, <\/u>Rainer Maria Rilke<\/p>\n Meditations<\/u>, Marcus Aurelius<\/p>\n Alcoholics Anonymous, <\/u>Bill W.<\/p>\n The Prophet, <\/u>Kahlil Gibran<\/p>\n The HeartMath Solution<\/u>: The Revolutionary Program for Engaging the<\/em>Power of the Heart\u2019s Intelligence,<\/em> Howard Martin and Lew Childres<\/p>\n The Velveteen Rabbit, <\/u>Marjery Williams<\/p>\n Infinite Vision, <\/u>How Aravind Clinic Became the World\u2019s Greatest Business Case for Compassion, <\/em>Pavithra K. Mehta, Suchitra Shenoy<\/p>\n The Gift, <\/u>Poems by Hafiz<\/p>\n No Mud No Lotus<\/u>, The Art of Transforming Suffering, <\/em>by Thich Nhat Hanh<\/p>\n Tattoos on the Heart; The Power of Boundless Compassion by Father Greg Boyle<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u00a0 I was surprised and honored to be invited as a keynote speaker last month in Atlanta for an innovative national health care organization. A few years ago, my brother introduced me to his friend, the CEO of this … Continue reading <\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/a>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n
\nEvery morning a new arrival.<\/p>\n
\nsome momentary awareness comes
\nas an unexpected visitor.<\/p>\n
\nEven if they are a crowd of sorrows,
\nwho violently sweep your house
\nempty of its furniture,
\nstill, treat each guest honorably.
\nHe may be clearing you out
\nfor some new delight.<\/p>\n
\nMeet them at the door laughing and invite them in.<\/p>\n
\nbecause each has been sent
\nas a guide from beyond.<\/p>\n
\nFrom The Illuminated Rumi.<\/p>\n
\nWho made the swan, and the black bear?
\nWho made the grasshopper?
\nThis grasshopper, I mean-
\nthe one who has flung herself out of the grass,
\nthe one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
\nwho is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
\nwho is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
\nNow she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
\nNow she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
\nI don\u2019t know exactly what a prayer is.
\nI do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
\ninto the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
\nhow to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
\nwhich is what I have been doing all day.
\nTell me, what else should I have done?
\nDoesn\u2019t everything die at last, and too soon?
\nTell me, what is it you plan to do
\nwith your one wild and precious life?<\/p>\n
\non two strong legs.
\nIt might have been
\notherwise. I ate
\ncereal, sweet
\nmilk, ripe, flawless
\npeach. It might
\nhave been otherwise.
\nI took the dog uphill
\nto the birch wood.
\nAll morning I did
\nthe work I love.<\/p>\n
\nwith my mate. It might
\nhave been otherwise.
\nWe ate dinner together
\nat a table with silver
\ncandlesticks. It might
\nhave been otherwise.
\nI slept in a bed
\nin a room with paintings
\non the walls, and
\nplanned another day
\njust like this day.
\nBut one day, I know,
\nit will be otherwise.<\/p>\n<\/h1>\n